The name for this blog comes from a line in a Gloriana song called “Wild at Heart.” The lyric is actually “I just wanna free fall for a while,” so I’ve paraphrased a bit, but when I first heard it at 18 years old it seemed like a good philosophy for the new life of freedom (read: post-high school, but pre-university) I was about to embark on. (Other lyrics include: “I’ve got forever on the tip of my tongue” and “got nothing to lose but time”).
It was a lyric that stuck with me, and seemed fitting as a title when I created this blog while I was in the beginning stages of another new phase of life: my Masters degree.
Today, September 15th, actually happens to be the two year anniversary of this blog, and now that I’m thinking about it again, “free falling for a while” takes on a whole new meaning.
When I was in school, there were set beginnings and ends, so the concept of a free fall held nothing but positive connotations – anything can happen within these limited days, how magical. But now that I’ve finished school my free falling has no end date. It’s indefinite.
I’ve always been a person with a plan, someone who knew what the next step was. But these days I find myself without a “next,” just a “now.” And that, for me, is terrifying. I’ve also always been prone to anxiety, and lately that anxiety has taken to manifesting in panic attacks. Living in this transitional phase of life has hit me hard, despite any measures I took to try and prevent that.
One of my biggest triggers lately has been the question “so what’s next?” which inevitably, and understandably, comes from everyone and anyone who finds out that I’ve just finished school. It was my doctor who suggested I reframe that question, whenever it comes to me, into something I have an answer to. So if I focus on what I’m doing now, and how that may help whatever comes next, I can talk about that instead of getting worked up about the total unknown that is my “next.”
So although I know I need to have goals and plans to move forward, I’m trying to focus on moving forward one step at a time. Baby steps, and all that. Because no matter what happens, all that I can say for certain right now is that I’m still free falling, for a while. And, really, I suppose you could say life is just one free fall after another, anyway.